A Hitchhiker's Guide to Catching an Autorickshaw in Mumbai
I have travelled to many places in this city, mostly Hell (as continuously suggested by my friends, ex-girlfriends and random strangers) and I’ve realised that the most difficult part of travelling in this city is catching a Rickshaw.
It’s particularly impossible to catch a rickshaw in South Bombay because the moment you enter South Bombay, you’re entitled to an even number of wheels in your mode of transport. Any vehicle that has an odd number of wheels could be simply classified as, ‘Chee.’ So, for those who don’t have such an entitlement or are not rich enough, I’ve meticulously researched and come up with 7 ways you can easily catch an autorickshaw in this city:
Source: Brian Feddern & Youtube
1. Make him an offer he cannot refuse: Offer him to pay 5x times the amount on the meter and watch him reject you nevertheless as it’s not a lamba bhada.
2. Counter-argument: As soon as he asks you, “Kahan jaana hai?” (Where do you want to go?) reply by asking him where HE want to go. While he’s in a temporary state of existential crisis, steal his rickshaw and run away.
3. Hijack his vehicle: All you need for this is a banana and a handkerchief. Cover the banana with your handkerchief and voila! You now own a lethal weapon (we need gun control in India.) Show him your fake pistol and make him drop you to your destination. Let him know who’s in-charge (you are. Just in case that wasn’t clear enough) and reach your destination without paying a single rupee. The only way this would backfire is if the rickshawala has his own pair of bananas and handkerchief.
4. Make him fall in love with you: Apart from the free rides, you’d also know that every time he’s adjusting his side mirrors, he’s not doing it for a better rear view.
5. Open a Pan-beedi shop: Open a simple pan-beedi shop at any corner and wait for an autowala to come for a quick pan or beedi. Make sure you don’t sell cigarettes otherwise you’ll have unwanted attention from the upper middle class and you don’t really have the time for class discrimination, you’re getting late. When the prey is unaware, look for an opportunity and hop inside his rickshaw.
What happens to the newly set up pan-beedi shop? Well, don’t forget to hire a small kid as well (Code Name: C.H.O.T.U.) who will take care of your booming business because child labour in this city is easier than getting a rickshaw.
6. Chop off your leg: Once they see that you are in unending, excruciating pain, they will HAVE to say Yes to you. If they don’t then just throw the chopped off leg inside the rickshaw. At least some part of you will make it to the destination. The rest can hop and follow. Your boss/teacher won’t be able to blame you for coming late because you reached your office/college in time but in instalments.
7. Call for an Uber/Ola: If all else fails, call for an Uber or Ola and ask the driver to catch a rickshaw for you.
It’s particularly impossible to catch a rickshaw in South Bombay because the moment you enter South Bombay, you’re entitled to an even number of wheels in your mode of transport. Any vehicle that has an odd number of wheels could be simply classified as, ‘Chee.’ So, for those who don’t have such an entitlement or are not rich enough, I’ve meticulously researched and come up with 7 ways you can easily catch an autorickshaw in this city:
Source: Brian Feddern & Youtube
1. Make him an offer he cannot refuse: Offer him to pay 5x times the amount on the meter and watch him reject you nevertheless as it’s not a lamba bhada.
2. Counter-argument: As soon as he asks you, “Kahan jaana hai?” (Where do you want to go?) reply by asking him where HE want to go. While he’s in a temporary state of existential crisis, steal his rickshaw and run away.
3. Hijack his vehicle: All you need for this is a banana and a handkerchief. Cover the banana with your handkerchief and voila! You now own a lethal weapon (we need gun control in India.) Show him your fake pistol and make him drop you to your destination. Let him know who’s in-charge (you are. Just in case that wasn’t clear enough) and reach your destination without paying a single rupee. The only way this would backfire is if the rickshawala has his own pair of bananas and handkerchief.
4. Make him fall in love with you: Apart from the free rides, you’d also know that every time he’s adjusting his side mirrors, he’s not doing it for a better rear view.
5. Open a Pan-beedi shop: Open a simple pan-beedi shop at any corner and wait for an autowala to come for a quick pan or beedi. Make sure you don’t sell cigarettes otherwise you’ll have unwanted attention from the upper middle class and you don’t really have the time for class discrimination, you’re getting late. When the prey is unaware, look for an opportunity and hop inside his rickshaw.
What happens to the newly set up pan-beedi shop? Well, don’t forget to hire a small kid as well (Code Name: C.H.O.T.U.) who will take care of your booming business because child labour in this city is easier than getting a rickshaw.
6. Chop off your leg: Once they see that you are in unending, excruciating pain, they will HAVE to say Yes to you. If they don’t then just throw the chopped off leg inside the rickshaw. At least some part of you will make it to the destination. The rest can hop and follow. Your boss/teacher won’t be able to blame you for coming late because you reached your office/college in time but in instalments.
7. Call for an Uber/Ola: If all else fails, call for an Uber or Ola and ask the driver to catch a rickshaw for you.
Follow me on Twitter: @ChrisBaretto
Picture Edited by: Abhishek Shinde
Ha ha ha! Mast! Loved it :D
ReplyDeleteThanks dude. Nice to hear it from you.
DeleteKya funny hai thu! You have a bright future ahead of you boy
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! Please do share it on Facebook and Twitter :D
DeleteHahahaha! This is hilarious! The existential crisis punch legit cracked me up XD
ReplyDeleteNice advice man . Damn funny !!!
ReplyDelete